I haven't had a glass (aka bottle) of wine in 11 days.
I've been Pinteresting quotes and articles on sobriety and reading lots of great blogs from women who have strikingly similar thoughts and experiences to mine. Who knew that support was out there for someone like me? It's a comfort. I've especially liked Unpickled, Hip Sobriety, and Tired of Thinking About Drinking blogs.
So, who am I and how did I get here?
I am a 44 year old wife and mom. I am college-educated, I have a full time job I love, I live in a nice suburban house in the south. I grew up in, and still have, a wonderful family. I have amazing friends, I am faith-filled, I am newly married to a wonderful husband and have a beautiful blended family of seven kids. I try to eat healthy, stay fit, and keep all the balls of my life in the air.
What a pretty picture, right?!
I am also four years post divorce from a difficult 18 year marriage. I was a suburban, stay at home mom of four kids until my divorce. I found myself alone in an apartment with them as a broken and scared single mom with a new full time job which barely kept the rent/utilities paid, groceries in the cupboard and gas in the car. I thought I might die of daily pain, fear and failure.
I think that is where this journey began. It is where my casual enjoyment of a glass of wine or two with friends turned into my almost daily coping strategy and escape from all the hard.
Now here I am. Two weeks ago after a "Wine Wednesday" bender, I woke to some strong realizations that I needed to get real, self-evaluate, and get a grip on my drinking. This had been building for a long while but I just didn't want to look at it, to face the reality of how I had lost control of my "casual" drinking and how it was now controlling me.
A couple days later I chose again to drink on Saturday night with friends. I "thought" I did "better", drank "less", was more "aware and responsible" with my intake. Whatever.
That Saturday evening was my last drink and I've been diving into reading and learning and self-evaluating and staying alcohol free (aka sober) the past 11 days.
The first week, last week, was BRUTAL. Can anyone relate? I was sad, angry, irritable, short-tempered, unmotivated every.single.day. I felt worse every morning waking sober than I did after drinking a bottle the night before. Only my husband and my very best friend knew (know) what I was (am) trying to do.
I'm pretty sure my husband almost bought me a box of wine to set on my nightstand last week. He asked me one night "Where's my [girl]? When is she coming back?" and I just said, "I don't know. She drinks." and he said "She doesn't have to."
It was bad, people. I couldn't stand myself and no one else could either.
Then finally day 10 yesterday, I woke with some color in my face and clear vision. My husband and I were able to hash out the ugly week we'd just had, and get back on the same page again.
I still want a cold glass of chardonnay (fine, a bottle) every single day after work. I want my husband to take me out for an icy topped dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives. I want to believe that I will get to sip a glass or two of wine on my back porch again and be satisfied, or enjoy a martini out with friends. I feel scared that this may never be true for me or a good idea to tempt.
And that makes me sad.
Day 11 today. Will you journey with me? I would love the support and encouragement of those who know, who have been there, who "get" it.
Thanks for reading.
xo
