Day 13 - Weekend UnWine-ing?

I'm still plugging away on my alcohol-free life.  Day 13.

Going into a long holiday weekend with the mindset that I should not enjoy an adult beverage makes me sad and frustrated.  A cold chardonnay goes hand in hand with my weekend relaxation, socializing, projects, household tasks, holidays. 

It's hard to imagine going out to a restaurant for a good meal, listening to live music, meeting up with friends, and not toasting the evening with a cold chardonnay or dirty martini. 

I've been known to pour in the afternoon on the weekends while cleaning out the garage, folding laundry, cooking, or staring into space on my porch.  I enjoy it.  I love the taste, the glass, the experience, the relaxed buzz. 

Trouble is, once I'm relaxed and enjoying the buzz, I keep pouring, because I don't want to lose the relaxed buzz, which is counter-intuitive because all that results in is in fact losing the relaxed buzz and bringing me to drunk and incapable of being productive or fully remembering and being present in what I'm doing/saying or what I did/said.

This week has been better than last week as far as intense irritability and mood swings, but I'm still having them.  I think I'm struggling with what is actually my end goal here.  And I realize that is foolish because it really is just a one day at a time journey and I don't yet need to know what my end goal is.

But, I can't get off the wheel of wondering whether I'm just trying to reset myself and regain control of myself and develop new life coping strategies so I no longer use alcohol as my go-to.  Thereby getting to a point where I can occasionally enjoy one or two glasses of wine at the most sitting on my porch unwinding or cooking dinner, or meeting a friend out, or enjoying just one dirty martini and being satisfied when my husband takes me out to dinner. 

This was, in fact, how my drinking looked for years. 

Once I self-evaluate and develop new coping strategies, will I be in control of my drinking habits again like I once was before my life fell apart in my divorce four years ago?

OR, am I quitting FOREVER.  Forever.  Like, as in, never again tasting a cold chard.  Never again getting a relaxed happy buzz.  Is this what I need to do?  I don't know the answer to that yet.

I keep re-reading Hip Sobriety article called I Am Not An Alcoholic.  It is so helpful to me.  Her Nine points make a great case for abstaining FOREVER.  Much of it is health related, what with Alcohol actually being a POISON that we willingly ingest into our bodies and the idea that if you can ingest this poison appropriately you DON'T have a problem, but if you choose NOT to ingest this poison any longer you DO have a problem.  So weird.  I can't reconcile the irony in that drinking thinking.

My new husband is very health conscious and endeavors daily to make healthy life choices.  He rarely drinks.  Doesn't enjoy it or see a need for it at all.  He will have a Moscow Mule to participate in a social gathering, but will sip just one through the dinner and then complain that the cost of it wasn't worth it.  :-) He is very happy with ice water with lime thankyouverymuch.

Obviously, knowing that about my man, you can guess he has been none too happy witnessing my frequency and volume of drinking over the time we have been together.  For him, it is health related.  He sees me exercising less, eating more poorly, and in general looking/feeling puffy and gray and old.  He legit worries about my liver. 

Wanting him to be proud of me is a big motivator in this journey.  I know this is not who I am, it's just something that has gotten ahold of me in some dark years of my life.  Now my life is shining brightly again with a new beginning, yet this crutch/coping strategy has a hold on me now and I'm finally having to face it and re-evaluate.

So, to summarize this long, rambling post:
1.  I don't know how to get through a weekend/holiday without constantly wishing I could have an adult beverage at some point.
2.  I don't know what I'm doing:  Abstaining forever or getting a grip on my poor coping strategies and redirecting my "escape" and "relaxation" needs to healthier endeavors, thereby being able to get back to occasional enjoyment of light social drinking.
3.  My husband is uber health conscious and chooses not to drink except for very occasionally and then only one.  He is concerned about my health related to drinking.
4.  I want my husband to be proud of me.  I'm more motivated to get a grip on this because I want him to be proud of me. 

There you have it.  Still hanging in there, with lots of thoughts swirling around in my sober head.  Day 13.

xo

My first post - Day 11

I haven't had a glass (aka bottle) of wine in 11 days. 

I've been Pinteresting quotes and articles on sobriety and reading lots of great blogs from women who have strikingly similar thoughts and experiences to mine.  Who knew that support was out there for someone like me?  It's a comfort.  I've especially liked Unpickled, Hip Sobriety, and Tired of Thinking About Drinking blogs.

So, who am I and how did I get here?

I am a 44 year old wife and mom.  I am college-educated, I have a full time job I love, I live in a nice suburban house in the south.  I grew up in, and still have, a wonderful family.  I have amazing friends, I am faith-filled, I am newly married to a wonderful husband and have a beautiful blended family of seven kids.  I try to eat healthy, stay fit, and keep all the balls of my life in the air.

What a pretty picture, right?!

I am also four years post divorce from a difficult 18 year marriage.  I was a suburban, stay at home mom of four kids until my divorce.  I found myself alone in an apartment with them as a broken and scared single mom with a new full time job which barely kept the rent/utilities paid, groceries in the cupboard and gas in the car.  I thought I might die of daily pain, fear and failure.

I think that is where this journey began.  It is where my casual enjoyment of a glass of wine or two with friends turned into my almost daily coping strategy and escape from all the hard.

Now here I am.  Two weeks ago after a "Wine Wednesday" bender, I woke to some strong realizations that I needed to get real, self-evaluate, and get a grip on my drinking.  This had been building for a long while but I just didn't want to look at it, to face the reality of how I had lost control of my "casual" drinking and how it was now controlling me. 

A couple days later I chose again to drink on Saturday night with friends.  I "thought" I did "better", drank "less", was more "aware and responsible" with my intake.  Whatever.

That Saturday evening was my last drink and I've been diving into reading and learning and self-evaluating and staying alcohol free (aka sober) the past 11 days.

The first week, last week, was BRUTAL.  Can anyone relate?  I was sad, angry, irritable, short-tempered, unmotivated every.single.day.  I felt worse every morning waking sober than I did after drinking a bottle the night before.  Only my husband and my very best friend knew (know) what I was (am) trying to do. 

I'm pretty sure my husband almost bought me a box of wine to set on my nightstand last week.  He asked me one night "Where's my [girl]?  When is she coming back?"  and I just said, "I don't know.  She drinks."  and he said "She doesn't have to."

It was bad, people.  I couldn't stand myself and no one else could either.

Then finally day 10 yesterday, I woke with some color in my face and clear vision.  My husband and I were able to hash out the ugly week we'd just had, and get back on the same page again. 

I still want a cold glass of chardonnay (fine, a bottle) every single day after work.  I want my husband to take me out for an icy topped dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.  I want to believe that I will get to sip a glass or two of wine on my back porch again and be satisfied, or enjoy a martini out with friends.  I feel scared that this may never be true for me or a good idea to tempt.

And that makes me sad.

Day 11 today.  Will you journey with me?  I would love the support and encouragement of those who know, who have been there, who "get" it.

Thanks for reading.

xo